[Fan Fiction+updated with English version] As She’s Gone …

Cast: SHINee members, 2NE1 with their fictional member, Iris Lee.

———————

KEY

Dunia berputar di depan mataku. Rasanya seperti ada palu besar menghantam kepala, dada, kakiku .. sakit sekali. Lalu segalanya gelap.

Terbang, aku seperti melayang, kurasa bagian tubuhku yang lain sedang tidak di sini sekarang, entah sedang di mana.  Aku masih belum bisa mempercayainya; apa yang sedang kulihat, yang terbaring di depan mata kepalaku. Tubuhnya masih hangat ketika aku menyentuhnya, tidak kaku seperti yang mereka bilang bila sebuah nyawa meninggalkan tubuhnya. Tentu saja aku tidak mempercayainya, kami masih bersama sore ini, dia bahkan memberikan lollipop pemberian salah satu penggemarnya untukku karena tenggorokannya sedang tidak sehat.

Iris Lee tidak akan pernah meninggalkanku begitu saja.

Dulu aku pernah bertanya-tanya, ke manakah roh akan pergi bila tubuhnya tidak lagi bernyawa? Omma bilang, mereka akan pergi ke surga untuk menemani malaikat-malaikat kecil bermain, hingga berjalannya waktu mereka akan berubah menjadi salah satu di antara mereka. Tapi appa memberitahuku hal yang berbeda suatu hari, mengatakan bahwa roh ini tidak akan pergi ke mana-mana. Mereka akan tetap berada di sekitar kita, menjadi malaikat pelindung yang senantiasa menjaga kita dari segala bencana dan kesialan.

Sekarang aku pun bertanya-tanya kembali kalau dia berada di sini saat ini. Apakah dia di sampingku, apakah dia bisa melihatku meratapi kepergiannya, .. ataukah dia sudah pergi ke surga menemui para malaikat kecil itu … lalu untuk kesekian kalinya dadaku terasa sangat berat, sakit sekali.

Ketika kubuka mataku, dia sudah tidak lagi di sana, di depan mataku.  Butuh beberapa menit untukku menyadari bahwa ternyata aku yang tidak lagi berdiri di sisi bed, di dalam ruangan kecil di mana tubuhnya terbaring. Gyungshik hyung membawaku keluar ruangan dan membiarkanku duduk di koridor, sementara orang-orang berlarian lalu lalang.

“Bagaimana ini, bagaimana! Kenapa bisa seperti ini? Ya Tuhan Iris, aku tidak bisa percaya ini!” Nicole berlutut dan memelukku, dia menangis.

Banyak yang menangis saat ini, semua orang menangisi hal yang sama, orang yang sama. Mereka tidak percaya dengan kepergiannya, tidak percaya bahwa gadis yang mereka sayangi tidak akan lagi muncul di hadapan mereka dengan senyum manisnya, dengan canda tawanya, dengan komentar sinisnya.

Tidak tahu apa yang harus kukatakan, aku hanya diam menatap Nicole membungkuk di depanku. Aku ingin sekali menyuruhnya pergi, tidak ingin mendengar ratapannya karena ini membuat dadaku terasa semakin sesak. Maka aku mendorongnya menjauh, dia menangis pada orang yang salah, karena aku sedang ingin sendiri.

Nicole sudah tidak lagi di hadapanku ketika mataku kembali terbuka. Cepat sekali dia pergi sementara aku berkedip, entah di mana, aku pun tidak mendengar lagi suaranya. Sandara Noona berlari melewatiku, diikuti beberapa orang di belakangnya. Keadaannya kacau, berantakan. Masih ada bekas perban yang menutupi jahitan di kepala dan lengannya, tapi itu tidak menghentikannya berlari. Aku mengawasinya menghilang ke dalam ruangan, lalu keluar kembali tak lama kemudian dan merosot di depan pintu.

“Seharusnya aku mengecek tadi, dia tidak pernah lupa memakai sabuk pengaman sebelumnya … Tapi dia tidak sehat, .. waktu aku sampai di van dia sudah tidur … harusnya aku mengecek tadi, tapi aku tidak melakukannya. .. bagaimana ini? Neneknya mempercayakannya padaku, .. tapi aku tidak menjaganya dengan baik .. Bagaimana ini?”

Sandara Noona meracau tidak karuan sementara beberapa orang mencoba untuk menenangkannya. Aku mengawasinya dalam diam, bertanya-tanya apakah dia benar-benar sadar apa yang telah terjadi, apakah noona melihat wajahnya, yang terbaring di dalam ruangan, yang terlihat sangat damai dalam tidur pulasnya.

Sandara Noona tiba-tiba menangis ketika melihatku menatapnya.

Dia adalah sahabatku, teman terbaikku, yang tidak pernah lelah meminjamkan telinganya tiap malam mendengarkanku bercerita tentang apapun berjam-jam, meminjamkan pundaknya tiap kali aku merasa lelah, dan juga tawanya ketika aku benar-benar bosan.

Dia teman pertamaku di dalam perjalananku selama di California, seperti aku pun teman Korea pertamanya setelah 14 tahun dia hidup di US. Seorang New Yorker yang individualis, yang sedang belajar tentang arti keramah-tamahan negeri timur, seorang debater yang luar biasa cerdas, terima kasih pada kelas Sastra Inggris yang membuat kami menjadi self-body selama 4 minggu.

Tidak, dia bukanlah hanya sahabat terbaikku, dia adalah sisi lain dalam hidupku. Sebagian dalam diri Iris Lee, adalah Kim Kibum, dalam versi opposite gender.

Tidak begitu yakin sudah berapa lama aku duduk di sini, membiarkan orang berlalu lalang melewatiku. Tidak begitu yakin juga berapa banyak orang yang yang menangis memelukku, aku tidak bisa mengingat siapa mereka.

Lee Seunggi hyung adalah orang terakhir yang memelukku malam ini. Tidak ada air mata di wajahnya, tapi meskipun begitu matanya juga yang memberti tahuku bahwa dia habis menangis.

“Dia akan selalu mengingatku, Kibum ah, .. dia selalu menyebut namamu. Terima kasih karena telah menjadi teman terbaiknya selama ini.” Katanya seraya menepuk pundakku.

Aku menyukainya, Seunggi hyung itu, karena dia adalah sepupu yang sangat perhatian dan selalu bisa diandalkan di manapun dia berada. Aku sering juga mendengar namanya disebut dalam obrolan kami, semua orang tau Seunggi hyung menyayanginya seperti adik perempuannya sendiri, dan seperti aku menyayanginya sepenuh hatiku.

“Kibum ah,” Minho muncul dari balik koridor dan berlari mendekat bersama Jinki hyung. Dia satu-satunya orang yang tidak menangis dari semua orang yang ada di sini. Minho hampir tidak pernah menangis, jarang sekali aku menemukan sisi sentimental dalam dirinya dalam situasi seperti ini, dia selalu bisa menahan dirinya untuk tetap tegar dan menguatkan siapapun yang ada di sekitarnya, karena itu sebenarnya aku sedikit tenang ketika melihatnya datang.

Minho merangkulku sesaat sebelum dia beranjak dan memberanikan diri masuk ke dalam ruangan yang mulai sepi, mengikuti Jinki hyung yang sudah lebih dulu masuk bersama Jin hyung. Orang-orang bergerumun di depan pintu, penuh dengan sedu tangis dan histeria yang membuat kepalaku semakin berat. Aku butuh udara segar, di sini terlalu pengap dan banyak orang sementara dadaku terasa semakin sesak. Aku ingin beranjak pergi, tapi tidak ada satupun dari anggota tubuhku yang bisa kugerakkan. Aku bahkan tidak bisa berteriak, ini benar-benar membuatku frustasi.

“Kau baik-baik saja?” Entah sajak kapan Jinki hyung tiba-tiba saja berulut di hadapanku, wajahnya sedih. Ke arah lain di depan pintu Minho berjalan keluar seraya memeluk Seunggi hyung, matanya sembab.

Aku tau perasaannya. Aku tau di dalam hatinya, Minho selalu mengganggap Iris lebih dari seorang teman, tapi dia selalu menyangkalnya. Sebenarnya dia tidak perlu melakukan itu karena kami tinggal bersama selama bertahun-tahun, dan sudah lebih dari cukup bagiku untuk tau apa yang ada di dalam kepalanya tanpa dia harus mengatakannya secara gamblang. Bukannya aku tidak suka bila mereka berdua akan bersama, aku hanya tidak ingin mendengar dua orang menghujaniku dengan keluhan atas yang satu tentang yang lain, karena aku tau mereka tidak akan pernah menghabiskan hari tanpa berkelahi, tentang apapun itu.

Entah apa yang mengawali perasaan ini, tapi sesak di dadaku membuat tubuhku gemetar. Aku tidak akan melihat mereka berkelahi lagi, baru kusadari itu. Semua orang yang menangis membuat tenggorokanku tercekat, tiba-tiba saja mataku terasa perih. Aku berusaha sekuat tenaga mengucapkan sesuatu, tapi yang keluar dari mulutku hanyalah sebuah isakan.

“Hyung, .. Iris, .. apa yang harus kulakukan?”

* * *

MINHO

Ketika dia tidak akan pernah kembali lagi, baru kusadari aku sangat merindukannya.

“2NE1 kecelakaan. Van mereka terbalik di jalan tol, .. kudengar kabar Iris koma, Kibum sekarang salam perjalanan ke rumah sakit.” Kabar ini seketika membuatku tidak fokus dengan naskah program radio yang sedang kulakukan bersama Jinki hyung. Kami hanya bertatapan, selama 2 menit break tidak ada satupun di antara kami yang membuka mulut mengucapkan sesuatu.

Kibum tidak menjawab telponnya, tidak membalas pesan singkat yang kukirimkan berulang kali. Ini benar-benar membuatku frustasi. Aku melakukan beberapa kesalahan membaca naskah hingga banyak adlib yang harus ditambahkan untuk menutupinya, berkat  Jinki hyung dan otak jeniusnya dalam berpikir cepat. Tapi bagaimana aku bisa fokus malam ini bila dia terbaring entah di mana, entah bagaimana keadaannya dan Kibum sama sekali hilang dari peredaran.

Ketika tadinya kupikir keadaan kritis telah lewat karena karena staff radio sudah tidak terlihat tegang selama sisa akhir waktu siaran, Jin hyung membawakan kabar terburuk yang pernah kudengar.

“Dia tidak bisa melewatinya, .. aku akan mengantar kalian ke rumah sakit kalau kalian mau melihatnya untuk terakhir kali.”

Rasanya aku ingin berteriak dan mengancurkan semua isi studio ini, kenapa mereka melakukan ini padaku??

“SHINee Minho adalah orang yang sangat serius, kami tidak bisa berlamaan hanya berdua saja, karena situasinya pasti akan aneh.”

Itu adalah hal yang paling kuingat dari semua kalimat yang pernah keluar dari mulutnya. Dia mengatakannya saat kami syuting untuk Strong Heart beberapa bulan yang lalu, dan dia benar-benar menikmati membeberkan semua aibku saat itu.

Aku tau dia hanya bercanda ketika mengatakannya, karena nyatanya kami tidak pernah seaneh itu. Sudah cukup lama kami berteman, setelah Kibum mengenalkannya melalui video chat ketika masih trainee beberapa tahun lalu, dia gadis tercantik dari semua keturunan Korea yang pernah kulihat sepanjang aku hidup.

Pertemanan kami berjalan hanya ketika bermain pool bersama, salah satu hobi di mana aku tidak perlu mengalah untuk seorang gadis, karena kami sama-sama yang terbaik melakukannya. Dia pemain yang handal sebenarnya, karena itu aku tidak pernah lagi mau mengalah setelah dia menipuku sebelumnya dengan berpura-pura menjadi amatiran, tapi menghabiskan 9 bola dalam sekali main. Sejak itu aku tidak pernah lagi percaya apa yang dikatakannya, dia sama liciknya seperti Kibum.

Seseorang akan mulai dikenang ketika dia pergi untuk selamanya. Selama satu jam dalam perjalanan ke rumah sakit, setidaknya ada ratusan kata, kejadian dan ingatan yang terbayang di dalam benakku mengenang keberadaannya. Aku tidak bisa menjelaskan perasaan apa yang berkecamuk di dalam hatiku saat ini, selain perih, kecewa, dan sangkalan. Aku masih berharap, ketika sampai di rumah sakit nanti, aku akan melihatnya duduk bersandar di tempat tidur dengan senyum kemenangan tersungging di wajahnya, mengatakan bahwa aku kembali tertipu untuk kedua kalinya.

Melihatnya seperti orang yang tertidur pulas, meskipun memar dan jahitan menyamarkan wajahnya yang selama ini kukenal, tapi aku masih bisa melihatnya di sana. Dia tidak berubah, dan aku masih bertanya-tanya kalau dia hanya bercanda,

“Aku berjanji akan selamanya mengalah dalam apapun kalau kau memberitauku ini cuma main-main.” Kataku di telinganya.

Tapi kurasa itu hanyalah harapan belaka. Ketika dia sama sekali tidak bereaksi, ataupun bergerak menjawabku, aku dipaksa untuk percaya bahwa dia benar-benar pergi. Saat itu aku baru menyadari betapa aku tidak ingin kehilangannya, selama ini aku tidak pernah ingin mempercayainya, tapi aku benar-benar tidak ingin dia pergi.

Bagaimana dia bisa melakukan ini padaku??

Aku merasakan tangannya di pundakku ketika pagi itu aku berdoa untuknya. Tangannya yang hangat, dengan jari-jarinya yang panjang dan lentik, yang selalu terasa berbeda dengan lainnya. Aku selalu bisa mengenalinya ketika tangannya di pundakku, baru setelah itu kulihat senyum lebarnya menyapa dengan manja,

“Minho Appa,” sambil menirukan gaya Yoogeun, si jagoan kecil, tiap kali memanggil namaku.

Aku merasakan tangannya di pundakku, cukup lama. Sengaja aku tidak menoleh karena tidak ingin perasaan ini berakhir, aku merindukannya, dan aku ingin tangannya terus di pundakku. Aku tidak ingin dia pergi.

“Kau mau membacakannya untukku?” Key berdiri di hadapanku mengulurkan sebuah buku yang sering kulihat bersama Iris di manapun dia berada. Taemin menepuk bahuku sebelum aku beranjak dan berjalan ke tengah ruangan di mana orang-orang duduk di sekelilingku mengenang teman yang sangat kami sayangi.

“Sebuah kecelakaan tunggal menimpa van yang membawa anggota 2NE1 baru saja terjadi di Incheon Expressway. Grup band hallyu ini hendak menuju ke bandara Internasional Incheon untuk mengejar penerbangan mereka ke London selepas konser gabungan bersama YG family di Seoul Worldcup Stadium, sebelum akhirnya van mengalami pecah ban dan terbalik hingga sejauh 150 meter. Dilaporkan Iris Lee, salah satu member, dalam masa kritis mengalami patah tulang leher dan tulang belakang …”

… …. ….

TAEMIN

Kalian pasti bercanda, … iya, kan?

Mwojo?” Jonghyun hyung mengganti channel mencari siaran newsflash lain yang mengabarkan hal yang sama dengan detail yang berbeda, sementara tangannya yang lain sibuk dengan ponselnya mencoba menghubungi Kibum hyung yang sejak sore tadi seharusnya bersama Iris noona di belakang panggung dan ikut nonton konser YG family bersama beberapa temannya dan Gyungsik hyung.

Beberapa jam kemudian kami dikabari bahwa Noona telah pergi, untuk selamanya.

Apa yang sedang terjadi, aku sendiri masih belum bisa memahami. Iris noona sudah tidak sehat sejak dua hari yang lalu, dia memang tidak mengeluh tapi aku tau dari suaranya yang serak ketika Kibum hyung mengeraskan suaranya dari loudspeaker.

Jam tiga pagi Minho hyung pulang bersama Jinki hyung, disusul Kibum hyung yang baru kembali satu jam kemudian. Aku tidak bisa tidur karena Kibum hyung tidak beranjak dari sofa menatap layar TV dengan tatapan kosong sementara Minho hyung menemaninya. Akhirnya kami semua berkumpul di depan TV sepanjang sisa malam dan mencoba tidur meskipun tidak terlalu nyenyak.

Untung hari itu jadwal kami kosong, hingga ketika hari cukup siang kami terbangun dan tidak ada yang berani membangunkan Kibum hyung yang terlelap di sofa, konon katanya dokter memberinya obat penenang dengan dosis yang cukup tinggi karena dia harus istirahat. Minho hyung tidak ada bersama kami ketika itu, kami menemukannya duduk di dapur dengan telinga tersumpal earphone dan Ipad di atas meja. Kurasa dia tidak tidur semalaman, dan Gyungsik hyung tidak berani menanyainya, tidak ada satupun di antara kami yang berani.

Aku mungkin bukan teman terdekat noona, aku bukanlah sahabat terbaiknya seperti Kibum hyung, atau teman bermainnya seperti Minho hyung, tapi aku menyukainya. Dia satu-satunya gadis yang tidak pernah menyebutku ‘gwiyo’ atau ‘yeppu’ dan selalu memperlakukanku seperti pria dewasa. Noona bukan orang yang memiliki banyak teman, tapi dia memiliki teman-teman terbaik yang begitu perhatian, karena dia pun sosok yang sangat luar biasa.

Noona memberitahuku bagaimana bergaul dengan teman-temanku di sekolah, mengajarkanku untuk tidak memilih teman dan memperlakukan mereka secara sama meskipun mereka hanya ingin memanfaatkan ketenaranku. Dia membuatku menyadari betapa penting arti sebuah keyakinan terhadap apapun yang kita percaya, bahwa aku pun berhak menentukan apapun yang kuinginkan karena aku percaya itu yang terbaik untukku tanpa harus mengikuti keyakinan orang banyak.

“Kau hanya perlu tau, bahwa pada nantinya .. kau tidak akan menyesal dengan apapun itu yang kau putuskan. Nikmatilah waktumu selama kau masih bisa menimbangnya, jangan terburu-buru. Pikirkanlah dengan matang,” katanya suatu hari ketika lari sore di Hangang di waktu kosong kami.

Sepertinya sudah sejam Kibum hyung duduk di atas tempat tidurnya, dia duduk di sana sepanjang malam menatap halaman demi halaman buku milik noona. Hyung tidak menangis ketika membacanya, tapi seringkali kudengar dia menarik ingus dan mengelap hidung dengan jarinya, sementara aku duduk di atas tempat tidurku, bersandar di tembok menatapnya dalam diam.

Aku mungkin tidak akan bisa memahami perasaannya, ketika teman terbaikmu meninggalkanmu pergi ke tempat yang sangat jauh, dan kau tidak akan pernah bisa melihatnya lagi hingga kau pergi ke tempat yang sama seperti dirinya. Tapi aku tau rasanya merindukan seseorang, aku yakin rasanya tidak berbeda ketika aku merindukan Taesun hyung, omma dan appa, semua keluargaku di rumah, terutama ketika jadwal begitu sibuk dan tidak bisa menemui mereka dalam waktu yang lama.

Jonghyun hyung masuk ke dalam kamar dan menghampiri Kibum hyung,

“Aku baik-baik saja, aku tidak menangis,” kata Kibum hyung bahkan sebelum Jonghyuni hyung membuka mulut.

“Aku tau, .. Cuma mau memberi taumu kita harus berangkat sekarang,”

“Oke, aku akan menyusul lima menit lagi.” Jawab hyung pelan, dan aku meninggalkannya di kamar sendiri begitu Jonghyun hyung mengajakku.

Hari ini adalah pemakaman noona. Untuk pertama kalinya aku bertemu dengan keluarga ibunya yang datang dari Italia. Kudengar neneknya ingin membawa jenazah terbang ke NYC untuk memakamkannnya di samping ibunya yang konon telah meninggal sejak noona masih kecil, tapi paman Lee Jin Yoon, ayah noona, menolaknya karena tidak ingin membuat noona semakin lelah. Banyak orang datang mengantarkan kepergiannya, para fans juga berkumpul dan menaruh buket buka di depan pagar pemakaman sebagai rasa hormat mereka. Ini pertama kalinya aku melihat suasana sehening ini, dengan isak tangis dan doa dalam tiap nafas kami.

Semua orang di rumah duka begitu pemakaman berakhir. Kami duduk mengelilingi ruangan sementara beberapa orang berdiri di tengah secara bergantian bercerita untuk mengenang noona selama dia masih berada di sekitar kami. Mereka ingin aku bicara, tapi aku tidak tau apa yang harus kukatakan .. terlalu banyak, dan aku tidak bisa melakukannya.

Kibum hyung beranjak ke tengah ruangan membawa diary noona, cukup lama dia berdiri dalam diam, sementara orang-orang tidak mengalihkan pandangan mereka darinya.

Dia menghela nafas,

“Iris Lee, .. tidak sengaja meninggalkan diary ini di tasku sebelum dia naik panggung dua hari yang lalu… Dan diary ini, adalah satu-satunya hal yang membuatku merasa dia masih ada di sampingku saat ini.” Kibum hyung terdiam sesaat dan menarik nafas dalam,

“Selama tujuh tahun kami berteman, kupikir aku sudah mengenalnya dengan baik. Ketika kupikir aku adalah orang yang paling mengerti dirinya dibanding orang lain, .. ternyata aku salah. Aku dikalahkan oleh sebuah diary. .. Dari sinilah aku mulai mengenal siapa Iris Lee sebenarnya, dari 500 halaman yang dituliskannya dengan sangat detail .. Kau mau membacakannya untukku?”

Semua mata kini beralih pada Minho hyung yang duduk di sampingku. Kibum hyung mengulurkan diary itu padanya dan Minho hyung bangkit untuk menggantikan Kibum Hyung di tengah ruangan.

“Ini adalah cerita tentang seorang teman yang ada dalam hidupku. Aku tidak begitu mengenal dia sebelumnya, tapi kami menjadi cukup dekat setelah sering bertemu dan mengobrol bersama. Kami bermain pool, dan selalu berkelahi .. aku tidak tahu kenapa dia tidak pernah mau mengalah untukku, padahal seharusnya pria selalu melakukannya. Ketika kurasa aku menikmati persahabatan ini, ternyata hati ini mengkhianatiku. Kadang ada saatnya ketika kau tidak bisa mengontrol apapun yang kau rasakan di dalam hatimu. …”

Minho hyung berhenti membaca dan menatap Kibum hyung ragu-ragu yang kemudian menyuruhnya untuk melanjutkan membaca. Suasananya mulai aneh di sini, kudengar orang-orang berbisik, dan kulihat Minho hyung tidak nyaman dan mulai terbata,

“ .. Aku bertanya-tanya bila dia juga menyukaiku. Kadang dia bersikap seolah sedang mencoba untuk menunjukkanku sesuatu, .. hatinya, tapi dia tidak pernah mengatakannya. Aku selalu menunggunya mengatakannya, tapi entah sampai kapan … dia terlalu keras kepala.”

Minho hyung berhenti lagi, kali ini lebih lama dengan matanya menyusuri tiap kata yang tertulis di dalam buku itu, lalu setelah beberapa saat dia melanjutkan dengan suara yang mulai bergetar, dan matanya yang basah.

“Kadang aku takut bila aku tidak akan pernah mendengarnya mengatakannya padaku, karena aku tidak mungkin mengatakannya lebih dulu. … Aku menyukainya, sangat menyukainya.  Jadi tolong katakan secepatnya, sebelum terlambat …”

Minho hyung berlutut di lantai. Untuk sesaat tidak ada yang bergerak hingga kami mendengarnya menangis, dan Jonghyun hyung bersama Jinki hyung bangkit untuk menenangkannya.

Kibum hyung pun mencoba untuk menahan air matanya, dia lalu bangkit dan berjalan cepat keluar ruangan. Aku bangkit mengejarnya keluar, hanya untuk menemukannya naik ke taksi dan pergi begitu saja. Sementara dari dalam ruangan kudengar suara tangisan Minho hyung semakin keras.

Aku tau ini akan terjadi, tapi tidak pernah menyangka ini kudengar setelah noona pergi untuk selamanya.

* * *

—–

*jangan lupa untuk kasih komentar dan saran kalian ya, supaya saya bisa bikin lainnya lebih bagus lagi =D

don’t be just a silent reader ..*

[ENGLISH VERSION]

KEY

The world was rounding right before me. It felt like a sledge hammer punched me in the head, the chest, the feet of mine … caused me a ton of deathly pain. Then everything went dark.

Flying, I felt like hovering, part of my body was gone, I supposed, wandering over somewhere else. I just could not believe it; what I was seeing right before my eyes, the girl lied on the hospital bed. Her hand was warm when I thouched her, it was not stiff like people say when a soul leaves her body away. How could I believe it, we were still together this afternoon, she even gave me a lollipop her fans giving her because of her throat was not feeling so well.

Iris Lee would never leave me just like that.

I used to ask myself, where would a soul leave when it left its body to mortality? Umma said that the soul would leave to be with petit angels, playing around the heaven, and as the time went by she would be one of them. But Appa told me a different thing one day, that a soul would leave no where to stay around us and be our guardian angel to keep us from misery and falling apart.

So I was wondering myself whether she’s here at this moment. I was wondering if she’s next to me, whether she could see me mourning her death, .. or she left already to see the angels .. and for the umpteenth time I felt a pressure in my chest. It hurt me a lot and I felt like crying.

She wasn’t there anymore when I opened my eyes. It took me several minutes to realize that I wasn’t any longer standing by her bed, in that small room where her body lied without a soul. Gyungsik hyung took me out of the room and let me sit on the corridor floor while people ran passing by.

“How.. ! What happened? For God shake, Iris, I can’t believe this!” Nicole kneeled and held on my shoulder, she cried.

Many people cried, they cried over the same thing, the same person. Just like me, they couldn’t take her sudden leave, they could not believe the girl they loved would never smile again, they would never see her laugh, or heard her synical tone of comment for more.

Having no idea to say to Nicole, I just kept my silent while watching her cower in front of me. She was one of the girl’s best friends, we were her best friend, and we were so lost. I really wanted to ask her to leave, I couldn’t stand her mourn because it made me crazy. So I pushed her away to leave me alone even I felt sorry to do that, but Nicole let out her mourn to the wrong person.

Nicole wasn’t there in front of me anymore when I open my eyes again. I tried to find her among the throng of people but I couldn’t. I didn’t even hear her voice around, so I took that she left already. I was wondering whether it’s her who moved so fast or something’s wrong happened to me me since I seemed to miss so many details, that I could not even remember. Sandara noona ran passing me followed by some people behind her back. She looked so mess. I could see blood over her clothes with bandaged stiches on her head and arms, but those didn’t stop her to run. I watched her disappear into the room, and came out after a while with her eyes swelled, then she slumped herself in front of the door.

“I should’ve … I should have checked. She never missed her seatbelt before .. but she wasn’t so well. I saw her fell asleep when I got in the van. I shoud’ve checked, but I didn’t .. Oh my God, what should I do? What should I tell her family? Her grandma believes her in me, but I fail taking care of her … what should I do?”

Sandara Noona was gibbering like crazy while people tried to calm her. I watched her in my stillness, wondering if she’s quite aware of the things happened around her. I was wondering if she happened to see my friend, whose peacefully face lied in her deep sleep.

Noona tried so hard to calm herself down, but then again,  she suddenly bursted into tears to see me watching her.

She was my best friend, my sister, who was tiredless to lend me her ears listening to my gibberish talk for hours, to lend me her shoulder whenever I felt so helpless and her laugh to washed away my boredom.

She was my first American friend during my study trip in California, like I was her first Korean friend after 14 years of her living in States land. She was an individual New Yorker, who interestedly learnt about the friendliness of the East, her father’s mother land, a super genius debater, and thanked to the English-class we could be each other self-body for 4 weeks before we went back home to our own places. I went back to Korea, and she flied back to New York city.

But no, she’s not only a best friend for me, she was another part of my life. A part of Iris Lee, was Kim Kibum, in a version of opposite gender.

I was not quite sure of how long I had been sat here, letting people walked and ran passed through me. I was not also sure how many people came and hugged me with teary eyes to give their condolence, I could not recall any of them in my grief.

Lee Seunggi hyung was the last person spoke to me before my members came tonight. I saw no tears on his eyes, but his eyes themselves told me that he was crying before.

“She would remember you, Kibum ah, .. she always mentioned your name, thank you for being a very best friend for her all this time.” He said with a tap on my shoulder.

I cherished him, that Seunggi hyung, because he was a lovable, kind, attentive cousin for my friend, and always had been a reliable person whenever he was. I heard his name a lot in our talk, everybody knows Seunggi hyung loves her like his own sister, like I love her with my whole heart.

“Kibum ah,”

I saw Minho showed up from the corridor and ran over me with Jinki hyung next to him. He was the only one among these people who are not crying. Minho almost never cried, he was not such a guy to show his sentimental side of him, I rarely saw that side of him even at  home. He was always able to control his feeling to stay strong and be a hope to people around him, that’s why I felt a little bit easeful when he came.

He held me and cheered me up before bracing up himself to enter the room following Jinki hyung who went in first with Jin hyung. He walked in hurry as if he could not wait any longer to see my friend in there with worry. I know what he felt. I know inside his heart, Minho loved her much more than a feeling of a friend, but he always denied it. He didn’t have to do that though, because we had lived together so long that I know him so well, and I didn’t have to guess so hard to see what it was in his mind without him telling loudly.

“I’ll be back,” he said and left me back in my grief.

These crying and mourning caused my head felt heavier.  I needed fresh air, because this place was too stuffy and too many people around and it made my heart so tight. I reallly wanted to leave, but I could not move my body. I could not even scream, I could not cry for help, and it frustrated me.

“You okay?” I didn’t know since when he was there, but suddenly Jinki hyung kneeled before me, he looked so sad on his face. Darting my eyes to the door, I saw Minho walked out of the room and held Seunggi hyung so tight with his swollen eyes, crying.

I just realized that I was not the only one who are so lost because of her leave. Minho lost his hope, they used to be so close back in old days and he just lost her. I just realized that I would never see them fight over pool games, or even anything they usually fighted over. I just realized, he just lost his chance for a strive to win her heart.

I didn’t know what this feeling strucked me, but seeing him that way I became so fragile. My body’s trembling. Everywhere I laid my eyes on I saw people cried, even Minho did. My throat was choked, and it stung my eyes. I tried very hard to say something, but the only thing came out from my lips was a sob,

“Hyung, .. Iris.. What, .. what should I do?” I cried.

* * *

MINHO

When she would never come back, I just realized how I missed her so much.

“2NE1 had an accident. Their van flipped on the highway, .. I heard Iris is in coma, Kibum is in his way to hopital right now.” The news got me infocus to the radio program I was doing with Jinki hyung. We looked at each other, while nobody moved for 2 minutes between the program’s break.

Kibum didn’t answer his phone, he didn’t reply any of my messages and it really frustrated me. I did several mistakes on reading the script so that Jinki hyung had many adlips to cover them, thanks to his brainy reaction. I completely lost my mind to worry her whereabouts and condition, while Kibum or Gyungsik hyung was nowhere to find.

When I thought the critical time was over because the radio staff didn’t look nervous during the end of the broadcast, Jin hyung told me the worst news I had ever heard.

“I’m sorry, but she could not make it, .. I will take you to the hospital if you want to see her for the last time.”

I felt like destroying the entire studio, how could they do that to me??

“SHINee Minho is a very serious person, we can’t stay in a room only just two of us because it will be so awkward.”

This was one thing I remember the most about her. She said that during our shoot for Strong heart couple months ago, and she totally enjoyed herself helping Kibum and Jonghyun hyung kicking my butt during the show.

I know she was joking, because in fact we never had that such awkwardness. It’d been quite long since the first time Kibum introduced us through a chat video, it was few months before she moved to Korea and joined YG as a trainee.

She was the prettiest scene I’ve ever seen in life.

Our friendship went while we played pool together, the only game I could feel free to let out my competitiveness against a girl, because we both play it the best. She tricked me once as a first-time amateur before I found out that she was such a great player by sweeping all 9 balls away in a single turn. I never let myself believe any of her innocence since then, she was no different just like Kibum.

Someone will be memorized when she was gone for good. For an hour on my way to the hospital, at least there were hundreds of words, and memories of imagined events in my head recalled its existence. I could not explain the feeling of what was going on in my heart, other than sore, disappointment, and denial. I still hoped, when I arrived at the hospital later, I would see her sat propped up in bed with a smile tugging at her victory, saying that I was fooled for a second time again.

Seeing her like falling asleep, despite bruising and stitches to disguised her familiar face, I could still see her there. She had not changed, and I was still wondering if she was joking,

“I promise I will forever beat in anything if you tell me it’s just your another tricky joke.” I said into her ear.

But I guessed it’s just a mere hope. When she did not react, or moved to answer, I was forced to believe that she was really gone. At that moment I realized how much I did not want to lose her, so far I never wanted to believe, but I really did not want her to go.

How could she do this to me?

I felt her hand on my shoulder when I prayed for her that morning. Her hand was warm, with her fingers long and tapering, which always felt different from others. I could always recognize it when her hand on my shoulder, only then I saw her wide smile letting out a little cuteness,

“Minho Appa,” as she mimicked the style of Yoogeun, each time the baby called my name.

I felt her hand on my shoulder, long enough. I purposely did not turn my head around because I did not want this feeling’s over, I missed her, and I wanted to keep her hand still as long as I can. I did not want her to leave.

“Can you read it for me?” Kibum stood in front of me holding out a book Iris always had wherever she was. Taemin patted my shoulder before I got up and walked to the center of the room where people sit around remembering our friends who we really care about.

“A single accident happened to the van brought 2NE1 members just now in Incheon Expressway. The band was about to go to Incheon International Airport to catch their flight to London after finishing a joint concert with YG family in Seoul Worldcup Stadium, before it crashed a sudden broken tire and caused the van overturned as far as 150 meters. Reported, Iris Lee, one of the members, is in the critical period with a broken neck and spinal bones … “

… …. ….

TAEMIN

You gotta be kidding me, … no?

Mwojo?” Jonghyun hyung changed the broadcast channel to find another newsflash with different details regarding to 2NE1 members’ accident, while his other hand busy with his mobile phone trying to contact Kibum hyung that since this afternoon should had been with Iris noona behind the stage and joined YG Family concert together with some friends.

A few hours later we were notified that Noona was gone, forever.

What was going on, I myself still could not understand. Iris noona had been unwell since two days ago, she did not complain but I caught it from her voice when Kibum hyung talked to her through the phone’s speaker.

Minho hyung was home with Jinki hyung at three in the morning, followed Kibum hyung who had just returned an hour later. I could not sleep because Kibum hyung did not move from the couch staring at the TV screen with blank stares while Minho hyung accompanied him. Finally we all gathered in front of the TV for the rest of the night and tried to sleep even not too tight.

Fortunately, we got off-schedules that day, so when we woke up three hours later, no one dared to wake Kibum hyung who slept on the couch. Supposedly, doctor gave him a sedative with a quite high dose because he underwent a great stress and needed to rest. Minho hyung was not with us at the time, we found him sitting in the kitchen with earphones plugged on his ears and his Ipad on the table. I guessed he did not sleep the whole night, and Gyungsik hyung did not dare asking him, none of us dared.

I may not noona’s closest friend, I was not her best friend like Kibum hyung, or a such playmate like Minho hyung, but I liked her. She was the only girl who never called me ‘gwiyo’ or ‘yeppu’ and always treated me like a man. Noona was not a person who had many friends, but she had the very best friends who are very concerned, because she was an extraordinary figure.

Noona told me how to get along with my friends at school, taught me not to choose friends and treated them nicely as though they just wanted to take advantage of my fame. She made ​​me realize how important the sense of a belief in anything that we believed, that I had the right to decide whatever I wanted because I believed it was best for me without having to follow beliefs of many.

“The only thing you need to know, that, in the future .. You will not regret whatever you had decided. Enjoy your time while you still can weigh, do not rush. Think carefully, ” she said one day when we had an afternoon jog at Hangang in our spare time.

It had been over an hour Kibum hyung sat on his bed. He had sat there all night staring at the pages of noona’s diary. Hyung did not cry while reading it, but often I heard him pull snot and wipe nose with his finger, while I sat on my bed, leaning against the wall watching him in silence.

I might not be able to understand his feeling, when your best friend left to go to a place very far away, and you would never see her again until you go to the same place as her. But I knew how it felt to miss someone, I was  sure it’s no different when I missed Taesun hyung, umma and appa, all my family at home, especially when the schedules were so stuffy and I could not meet them for a long time.

Jonghyun hyung entered the room and went to see Kibum hyung,

“I’m fine, I’m not crying,” said Kibum hyung ​​even before Jonghyun hyung opened his mouth.

“I know, .. Just want to let you know that we are ready to go,”

“Okay, I’ll catch up in five minutes.” hyung answered quietly. And I left him in his own room when Jonghyun hyung asked me to leave with him.

It was noona’s  funeral. For the first time I met her mother’s family came from Italy. I heard her grandma wanted to take her body flied back to NYC and buried her beside her mother’s grave who had passed away since noona was still so small, but Uncle Lee Jin Yoon, noona’s dad, rejected it because he did not want to make noona much more exhausted. Many people came to deliver her departure, the fans also got together and put flower bouquets in front of the cemetery fence as their respect. That was the first time I saw this silent as the atmosphere, with sobs and prayers in our every breath.

Everyone gathered in the funeral house after the ceremony was over. We sat around the room while several people stood in the middle of the room alternately to tell stories about noona while she was around. They wanted me to talk, but I do not know what to say .. it was just too much great memories about her, and I could not do it.

Kibum hyung went to the middle of the room carrying noona’s diary, for a long time he stood in silence, while people do not divert their eyes from him.

He sighed,

“Iris Lee, .. accidentally left this diary in my bag before she went on stage two days ago … And this diary, is the only thing that made ​​me feel she is still here with me today.” Kibum hyung paused and got a sharp intake of breath,

“For seven years we were friends, I thought I already knew her well. When I thought I was the one who most understand her than anyone else, .. I was wrong. I was defeated by a diary. .. From this book, I started to know who the real Iris Lee is. She was just like another mystery, who kept secrets to her own, through the 500 pages she wrote with great details .. Can you read it for me?” All eyes turned to the Minho hyung who sat next to me. Kibum hyung handed the book to him  and Minho hyung got up to replace him in the middle of the room.

“This is a story about a friend in my life. I did not really know him before, but we became quite close after a frequent meet and talk together. We played pool, and always fight .. I do not know why he was never willing to budge for me, while usually men always do so. When I think I enjoyed this friendship, it turns out that this heart betrays me. Sometimes there are times when you can not control anything you feel in your heart. … “

Minho hyung stopped reading and looked at Kibum hyung reluctantly as he was then instructed to continue reading. The atmosphere began to be weird, I heard people whispering, and I saw Minho hyung looked uncomfortable and started stumbling,

“.. I wonder if he has a feel on me too. Sometimes he acts like trying to show me something, .. his heart.., but he never said anything…. I always wait for him to say it, but somehow.. until when … he’s too stubborn. “

Minho hyung stopped again, this time it took longer with his eyes down every word written in the book, then after a while he continued in a voice began to tremble, and his eyes were wet.

“I’m afraid if I’d never heard him to say, because I can not say it first. … I loved him, a lot… So please say it right away, before it’s too late … “

Minho hyung fell down on his knee to the floor. For a moment no one moved until we heard him cry, and Jonghyun hyung with Jinki hyung together rised to calm him down.

Kibum hyung was also trying to hold back his tears, he then got up and walked quickly out of the room. I chased him out, only to find him getting into a taxi and went away. While inside the room, I heard the voice of Minho hyung cried louder.

* * *

—-

Don’t forget to leave your comment! =D

authorized and written by: kimchidee@hallyucafe
*DO NOT TAKE OUT

About Dista Dee

|DARKee's Maknae| author of Louboutin's Catalyst | ignorant graduate student | cynical blogger| a-never-ending-idiocy | I.should.Stop.this | follow my tweets on: @kimchidee

Posted on April 28, 2011, in Angst, Fan Fiction and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 21 Comments.

  1. Anjrit! gw nangis beneran ini dari paragraf ke tiga samape akhir! *makin kejer*
    Good job!! sumpah keren banget FF-nya… kebayang banget setiap karakternya kek apa, apa yang mereka rasain, ahh… it just awesome!!!
    Love it ssssooooooooo much!!!

    #ada akang seung gi lagih muncul jadi sepupu yang baik hati… *peluk2 akang*

  2. well…ummm….when i read this i felt like laughing and crying at the same time. laughing bcs well, i dunno why ;D and crying bcs ummm…quite touchy-feely =’)

  3. nappeun.namja

    hiiiii… electrifying.. mrinding.. why did I get my tears out?? damn u..
    the part where Minho read the diary,(though a little bit classic) was completely touching. The ending just made me wipe my nose, and I’VE GOTTA SAY IT TO SOMEONE OR IT’LL BE TOO LATE… hoossshh…

  4. aku bacanya sampe berkaca2 mana rekom onn lagunya taeyeon ithu feel nya dapet onn!

    kalimatnya ga berbelit2 sana sini dan isinya berbobot. tp sayang kurang banyak pdhl bisa dibikin panjang dari karirnya iris sampe dia meninggal… >.<

    tapi.. kalo ngebayangin mukanya anak2 shinee, aku malah pengen ketawa… (keinget ffnya si ninun)…

  5. Is there an English version? I want to read! But I don’t speak this language..😦

  6. KEREEEEEEEEEEEENN!!!
    nahan” nangis nih bacanya…
    keren onn.. bikin lagi bikin lagiiii..
    terharuuuuu

  7. rita ashio

    hhhuuuaaaa satu kata KEREN…!!!! aku nangis pas baca part Minho baca diarinya….T_T

  8. rita ashio

    hhhuuuaaaa cuman satu kata DAEBAK…..!!!! aku ikutan nangis pas part Minho baca diary-nya Iris…T_T

  9. Armha_luvMInHo

    speechless untuk ke2 kalinya dalam hari ini,,,,,
    i dont know what i must saying,,,
    Great job cz make me crying,,,,
    especially Minho part n diary part,,,,

    hiks,,,hikss

  10. Thank you for this FF ,, thank you because this FF make me crying now :(( ,, really sad ,, when Minho read the diary …

  11. aku nggak heran semua orang suka bagian Minho baca diary Iris, karena yang bagian itu memang .. bikin merinding, kekeke~

    this one great, unnie! tapi aku lebih suka versi bahasa Inggrisnya deh, soalnya lebih detail gitu, apalagi waktu Key bilang dia lega ngeliat Minho datang karena bikin dia jadi lebih tegar, .. tapi ternyata Minho juga nangis dan itu bikin dia jadi histeris sendiri.

    aku belum bisa bayangin sedekat apa persahabatan mereka bertiga, tapi terasa sekali kalau Key ini sayang banget sama Iris. I wish I have that kind of best boy-friend like him, =D
    Unnie, please, bikin lanjutannya cerita ini donk, masa segini aja sih? banyak yang ilang nih detailnya .. ya ya? *smooch*

  12. SHAWOL mrana

    Jd ngrasa ga normal nie ga mewek ato berkaca2 ngebaca nie ff. Kkk
    Salah musik kali yah, q malh mænin musik yg ajeb2. e.e
    Ffx keren. . . Br kali nie q bc ff mellow yg ga ngebosenin. Tp g tw knp q masi kurang dpt gambaran si Iris. . . Tp mank part Minho yg ngebaca diaryx Iris berhasil jd nice closing. He2

    • tenang beb, kamu bukan satu”nya yg ngerasa gitu .. sampe sekarang aku juga belum dapet bagian mana yg bisa bikin mewek, hehehe .. *alaah, padahal gw sendiri yg bikin*

  13. wahh bagus FF nya tapi aku kok ga nangis ya??

    aku suka bagian Minho baca diarynya Iris..

    kenapa ga dibikin yang lebig detail aja ceritanya??

  14. boleh gak komment tapi nagis gak???

    suumpahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!,,,, *kehilangan kata-kata .com*

  1. Pingback: Diary SHINee Key « Hallyu Cafe

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